I fear horror movies. I fear rats. I fear spiders. these are all the things I fear, but the one thing that terrifies me is failure. It’s the one thing you fear as well. More than anything else, because if you really want something then you’re not gonna want to fail because if you do, then you’ll never have your dreams come true. That’s the one thing all humans fear. Failure is the whip that will slash your hopes and dreams. Like a lion you try to run towards your freedom, but you’re in a cage made by a cruel lion tamer named failure, who makes you do tricks, and there’s always that impending doom that the whip will knock you and the boxes of inspiration down, the boxes of inspiration you used to try and climb out of the cage, but failure is there to keep you in, and even when he’s not there, his scent you call fear is enough to make you give up. But it’s up to you to pick up those boxes off of the glossy red floor, and rise up and continue through the whipping of failure to get to your goal. The more failure beats you the tougher you’ll get, so when you do climb out of the cage of failure’s cruel cage you can say “I deserve this.”

So when you fall down by the whipping of failure, don’t curl up in a ball and fear trying, that’s what failure wants you to do, instead get back up and keep going, because soon you’ll get your freedom and you’ll make your dreams a reality. And even though you can never cover up the scars on you, even though you can never escape the nightmares of failure locking you up again, or that you’ll never forget the smell of failure. You’re here, maybe you’ve come a long way, or maybe you just got out, the hard parts over. All that’s left is to take the next step and face your dream.

We’re cyborgs. Our brain is the processing chip. It is the small thing that controls the computer. We use the program “logic” to solve things that would make no sense back in the days when everyone looked for answers in an invisible source, but there’s one thing that makes people care for someone more deeply than others, the thing that gives us emotions, and in times of crisis will override the motherboard, the thing we call a “heart” is the program that we use to live. If it weren’t for this “heart” program we’d spend all our lives working and never having any fun. Some people call the “heart” program a virus in disguise and they want to get rid of it. They think that we’d all be better off with no emotions, we’d get more done, and maybe they’re right. Maybe we’d be a lot more advanced if we just worked, but we only have one life, and the thing we call emotions is what makes us live in it, it’s the thing that doesn’t make us completely robot. If you were to only work then your not living in your world, you’d be wasting your one chance to live your life, so do what you love. And if we didn’t have emotions we never would’ve made so many advancements, joy made cartoons and music, grief made homeless centers and cures for diseases, and even the thought that tells people emotions are a virus, is fear telling them to live longer and find a way for them to live forever, because they’re afraid of death.

Well I already sorta did a story on this with my random thoughts post so I don’t really know what to do. I guess I’ll share some more galaxy random theories/ thoughts. After I shared my random thought draft I shared with my group one of them asked if I believed in the “sand universe theory” (something named like that), a theory where if you stepped out of your universe you’d step into a new one. Which was weird to think about. Then a couple days ago someone told me this theory about how we humans are from another world and that’s why we humans are so fascinated by space, how there’s stories of people just popping up out of nowhere on earth, and why your joints hurt sometimes, it’s because were not used to this planets gravitational pull. I don’t believe this theory but it was cool to think about. I’ve been thinking if humans are just a spec in the universe could our universe be a spec amongst millions of other ones. It’s like the “sand universe theory” (I honestly don’t remember what it’s called) but taken literally, like our universe is literally a grain of sand on the beaches of giant people and millions of years to us is just a couple of seconds to them. Or what if it’s the reverse and we’re giants and like if you stood up from your desk at school then suddenly millions of galaxies would form on that seat and a couple of seconds to us is billions of years to them and when you go back and sit in your chair you crush those galaxies.

well I just spent thirty minutes writing the “Charge The Trench part 2” and my computer decided to reset and get rid of all my progress, so right now this is gonna be my post, but next time I’m gonna rewrite Charge The Trench part 2 and make it better than it was before.

It was a normal day in the trenches, people walking around in their metal shelled hats, rifles slung over their shoulders, the occasional soldier standing up and returning fire. I’ve been in this trench for so long, and everyday is just like this, but after about an hour of sitting in my place near the edge of the frontlines of the trench talking to my five new friends we suddenly were told to charge the enemy lines in a couple minutes by a commander. I didn’t know what to say. I was so petrified by fear that I just stood there looking at the commander who gave the orders. Charge the lines, he didn’t actually think we’d be able to take the enemy trench. right? not with their machine guns in place, we’d get mowed down, if we got out of the trench then we’d become target practice for the Germans, and we couldn’t return fire to them with only their heads sticking up, while we would be fully exposed. there’s no way we’d make it. I stood there petrified in fear not knowing what to do, I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even feel my friend Adam shaking my shoulder.

“Hey J what are you doing, you got cold feet?” he asked.

That’s what all of my friends call me “J” my real name is Joseph but I never really liked that name so I go by J. I met Adam the first day I was sent to the front lines, he introduced me to all of my new friends. they were all veterans and had lived through ten enemy trench charges, and had been here for one year. Andy and Gavin were from Great Britain, while Jason was from New Jersey, and Adam, Tyler, and I were from New York. I’d only been in the trenches for one week and I’ve never been a part of a charge, I haven’t even used my gun in the whole week I’ve been here.

I guess my face was saying what I was feeling because Andy slapped my shoulder and said

“Hey it’s all right, just stick with us, do what we say and you’ll be fine.”

I didn’t really believe that but I still gave him a little smile and nodded. I checked my weapons to make sure I had everything that I needed, and that my gun was fine. I fixed my bayonet to the top of my gun and waited for the order to charge. every second felt like an hour but finally what felt like an eternity of waiting near the front, packed up with hundreds of other soldiers ready to jump out of the trench and run towards the people shooting us, I saw the general squeeze up to the front, pull out his rifle and yelled.

“Charge!!”

when I driving home with one of my friends, we were listening to an audio book. I forgot what it was called but I remember that in a certain part of the book they talk about how TV is bad and how it doesn’t inspire creativity. I disagreed with this strongly but my friend agreed with it. I told him that watching TV can give you ideas and help you make something new, but he argued that those ideas you get from watching TV are someone else’s idea’s, you’re just copying someone else’s thoughts, because when TV was relatively new and star wars first came out, there wasn’t anything like star wars. There was no spaceship or lightsaber movies or books that the director could rip it off from, he got the idea of star wars through his experiences and by experiencing the world, which made it original. And even though my friend did have a point he didn’t realize that how you got ideas back then has changed. Lucas probably got the idea for star wars by reading comics or reading a book, but he added parts of each thing he read and did to make something new. Now you don’t really need to read, the TV is the virtual book of today, and yes it limits some of your creativity since it shows you what’s happening instead of you imagining it. but just like a comic or a book you can get ideas from a movie and make something new and original, it just depends on how much of an idea from a movie you use.

we’re just like mountains, we grow over time little by little over the year. We start as a pile of dirt , and then an earthquake comes and doubles the height of the hill making it a mountain, we grow and may be a bit janky and see the world in black and white but over time we smooth over and start to see all the shades of grey. We don’t even know it but we have thousands if not millions of things going on around us, and just like a mountain were to focused on growing and becoming as tall as we can get that we don’t see a squirrel climb a tree or a gopher running to his hole. Like a mountain we stand tall and never move, we only stare straight forward, and we don’t realize the things happening around us. We don’t see the destruction of the ocean life due to what we’ve done, we don’t see the destruction of our icecaps due to pollution and climate change, because were to focused on getting bigger, and we only focus on what makes us bigger, not on the actions of our consequences. When we get tall enough we see the world in black, white and all the shades of grey but we decide to ignore the grey, because we only focus on what makes us bigger.

I won’t try to describe love because it’ impossible to describe, something that no one can understand, when you first feel love it’s an alien feeling, like a glitch in a computer, but that’s the best way to describe it. No one can describe it even after they’ve felt it, they just know it’s love because they start having different reactions to what they’re crush does, you feel angry when they date someone. You think you’re just feeling angry because you don’t want them to break your lovers heart, but soon that little seed of love planted in the forest of emotions by your crush starts to grow into a mighty oak tree that stands out like a sore thumb with it’s square shaped leaves and purple bark. You try to impress them , you may get them gifts and you lie to yourself that you got that necklace for them because your friends or you just think they’re fun and cool. you may ignore that purple oak tree when it becomes visible to you but it will stay there and it may wither away or you’ll realize the oak tree is there when it’s to late.

freak, monster,

those words may sound familiar because that’s what people might call you

but they say this because they’re to blinded by your skin to see the beauty inside.

people will try to help and say that you can get through this

but they don’t understand what you’re going through

they don’t know that its not that easy, they don’t know that in the shadows of your life you get bruised by the hands that fed you as a child

that the paper cuts of insults get filed with lemon juice when a loved one calls you one of those names

They don’t understand because they have a loving mother and father who’d sacrifice anything for them, they can never understand.

You tell people the lie of what you wish your life was like but you hide the truth in a safe in the shadows of your mind with the code burned to ashes and the key melted into a lie

that everything is fine, that I’m loved by my parents, that I’m not ugly

because when you get home you know this safe will fall open on it’s busted hinges because no matter how hard you try to fix it, it always ends up broken

not because of the new locks you used but that the 3 headed monster of the truth will bust out and remind you that you are not loved, that the world would be better off without you, that he would sell you for a can of beer because that’s all he loves, that you’re a disappointment.

Well you need to know right now and forever that he’s wrong.

that the monster of the truth has been contorted into a lie to be something it’s not

it’s contorted by that man who is supposed to take care of you and by those who call you names

because he wants you to be afraid and he has this monster on a leash and beats it whenever it doesn’t do what he wants it to do.

you need to know that the monster of the truth is actually a loving dog

because the truth is, there’s people around you that care, and even though it seemed like you were fighting a losing war you still fought hard even though you were riddled with bullet holes

because you’re fighting not only for yourself or for others but for the belief that

“they’re wrong”

because even though what everyone said

despite having lived through the millions of bullets

despite doing the impossible

you’re still here

because you’re beautiful.

Maybe you’re the broken egg in the carton that people throw away

maybe you’ve never had a best friend because people were scared that if they were seen with you they’d get riddled with bullets

or maybe you’re the lottery winner of what people define as ugly

well if people define you as ugly they need to look a little closer

they need to stare not at the shapes and colors that make you up but at the definition and meaning of the masterpiece that you are

because people don’t seem to realize that the gun of their mouth and the bullets of their words leave holes in you, and don’t you dare say

“it’s just some words” and “they’ll get over it”

because just like a snake they inject you with more venom which gets a little closer to your heart

You tattoo the word dog, or medusa onto your face because after a while of being called names you start to label yourself as one

and that tattoo can’t come off because no matter how hard you rub it with bleach it can’t come off

because you’re not a dish

you’re not some computer that can be reset

you’re a piece of art.

Of course words hurt

the insults stick around longer than the compliments

and even though you may not remember this in the future

I want you to know

you’re beautiful.

I sit here in my desk with this pencil I used to call a sword.

That I used to learn how to write.

What I’d use in class to scribble on paper when I had almost an hour of free time.

Back when I used to take those times for granted like a forgotten toy, now fills me with joy of the memories I had with it.

Now I use my pencil to write equations and notes that I probably won’t use in the future.

Now that sword has become a dagger which now controls my future, controls whether I get an answer right or wrong, whether I fail or succeed.

But everyday this pencil becomes a sword once again for an hour everyday, and I control it, I decide if what I’m doing is right of wrong.

But when that hour passes. It becomes a dagger once again.

But I don’t care because spending one hour with my sword and doing whatever I want with it, fills me with more joy than I’ve ever felt.